At The End of The Day…

…since the beginning of time.

“… in the beginning, there was ‘us’. Then, (according to the massive amount of information –suddenly everywhere I look! – about all of this), in a nutshell, a Soul agreement was made to go our separate ways (for whatever reason) and reunite; Union can be reached when both are in the same vibration/energetic frequency…etc.. blah, blah, blah…” In my limited understanding, that’s pretty much a Twin Flames dynamic.

But wait!!! There’s more…
(According to this article: https://medium.com/@sheetalrahuja05/you-fill-in-the-blank-7b5418398029 I’ll be paraphrasing some statements from here and will likely ‘ignore’ a few things too)

Each experience is unique and different. It is suggested that the INNER KNOWING/SOUL WISDOM is the most dependable compass to help navigate “with ease”. There are no “how to’s” or a manual that teaches ways to walk the path.

(EVERYTHING I HAVE READ so far, references how this ONE connection is INFINITE and can NEVER end. The Love is Sacred. It’s ONE Soul, two human bodies, and their respective Egos. Doesn’t that sound blissfully wonderful?
Well, I am here to tell you that it IS.
I’m also going to share with you how it is NOT!

It turns out that My Twin Flame is “not here to fill any voids or to help me overcome anything”. (Duh!)
My twin flame is more like my catalyst. “Here to REMIND me and TRIGGER every limiting belief experienced in this three-dimensional human life, to be released”.
Well, FUCK!!
Furthermore, if my Twin were “by my side to heal me, I would develop ‘DEPENDENCY’; Twin Flame Contracts are to purely eliminate the ‘CO-DEPENDENCY’ and usher in a space of ferocious ‘SELF RELIANCE’. When I can heal myself and resolve my core wounding, that’s what I will radiate and REFLECT to my Twin.”
Let’s us all sit down and wait patiently for this to happen! Shall we?

HUGE and DEEP Truth: This whole experience is creating in me a sense of “I’m going fucking crazy! Get me out of this never ending dark maze!!! PLEASE!!”

Yet, I am supposed to be fucking grateful that my twin is “fulfilling a Soul contract we both co-created before incarnation…”
AND I’m supposed to “develop a higher level of gratitude and compassion for the fact that I HAVE a Twin in the first place”. Sweet Jesus! ! !
“…every Twin Flame couple has a unique journey that’s scripted by the two…”

If this is fucking wonderful? Why do I sound so miserably bitter under such miraculously blissful experience?

Here’s my story:
{It’s not a horrendous story compared to the many more traumatic stories I have read, but I am the one in the effects of this one, and since my experience is unique, I won’t diminish the depth of how I am getting everything I prayed for. And I do mean EVERYTHING!}

Things began to unfold from the moment we met: August 9, 2017.
He saw me first. His wisdom, sensitivity and willingness to question what he was feeling lead him to reach me. He took small, subtle steps to contact me. We did some small chats that lead me to continuously and obsessively look at his pictures. Yes, I was initially puzzled. He somehow knew how to reach into me and how to spark interest in my responses to him. It didn’t take long before I ‘recognized’ him. I ‘woke up’ when I noticed the painful heartache as I realized that our circumstances were far from ideal. I cried myself to sleep that night. Devastated and even more puzzled than before. I was crying for this ‘someone’ I barely knew.

I was not expecting to fall in love so quickly or so deeply. Yet, there I was, fully absorbed by a perfect stranger. The ONE I’ve yearned to meet my whole life. The same ONE I’ve loved and known my whole infinite life. HE found ME at the very time I contemplated turning into a cynic.
I felt confused, conflicted and disappointed in me. Everything about what was happening to us went against everything I ever believed in. In this scene, I could be considered anything but honorable. I cared far too deeply about the consequences of our connection. It was far from perfect and even less than ideal. Yet, I become protective of him. I went into full protection of our Love.
The level of inspiration that drew me to him took me over from the inside out. Our magnetically energized feelings intensified the more we talked, the more we saw each other. And when we kissed, there was not turning back. We got sucked into a love making matrix that we would never dare want to leave. EVER!

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Clearly, we mirror each other. That, I know for sure. We get to reflect all the greatness, beauty, and sacredness of our Souls to one another. We also get to experience the blessed triggers that, according to Twin Flame dynamics, are of “great service to bring out and face all the hidden wounds in great need for healing”.

Yeah, let’s talk about that!

I’m tired of the never-ending Ego party that thrives with leaving me emotionally hungover. Some days I’m in a blissful state. I have such clarity and feel so invincible. I’m in such adrenaline high, I can’t wait to share my vision with him.
He’s on to me though. I sense how he anticipates the forthcoming Low/s.

On my low days, the sadness of our reality overcomes me. My wishful thinking feels pathetic. My assumptions/’unreasonable’ expectations knock me down in disappointment. I start doubting any, and all possibilities of us ever coming together. And I end up believing that this whole experience is completely delusional. I question what’s “wrong with me?”. My urge to run from this (just to save him), seems like the most loving thing I can to do for him.

Today, I can feel the depth of my love for him. Tomorrow, I may feel the depth of the pain in the never ending/devastating reminders of how or why we are NOT together.
At least not openly, like so many other Twin Souls in Union can. They get to explore life with each other, fully supported, encouraged, and wanted by many who benefit from  witnessing the way they share their love.
We don’t get to be seen by anyone. And no one gets to experience the blessings or the miracles of our love. Time and distance do matter. They are both relevant and they are both assholes.

Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE our private (secretive) moments when we can just be. Alone. The whole world disappears when we are together. I LOVE that time stops when I’m in his arms. We become physically one in each other. When I look into his eyes I get to loose myself in glimpses of my own greatness. I can see his Sacred Self. I melt into his love. I get to be happily powerless in my surrender to him.

Since the beginning of time and at the end of the day…

All the feelings are fully felt. Some don’t seem to subside. All the ‘blocks’ or triggers seem ever so ready to trap me. Am I so blinded I can’t see that I have THAT MUCH healing to do or pain to overcome? SERIOUSLY? How can I possibly feel heard or understood? Who can show me in practical ways, the way out of the blessed emotional roller-coaster that never stops moving?

At one point, after an incident, I hurt so badly, I was sure the roller-coaster crashed scattering every piece of my Soul, EVERYWHERE! Well, I was wrong. It did crash. I felt completely broken. But, I was tightly strapped enough for all the pieces to remain in one place, as the roller-coaster started moving again. I barely had enough time to catch my breath, when I felt as if I had to hold on tight, completely afraid in anticipation of the next collision.

Here’s the thing…

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I don’t get to reach him and/or hear from him whenever I want. And if I do message him or call him, and he doesn’t answer, I have to just ‘know’ that he is busy tending to things that are important to him.

I don’t get to openly express everything that I’m feeling. If I do, I also get to remember that “the triggers are there to ‘help me’”; then I end up feeling like an idiot because I know better but still don’t know how to get past it or through it.

I know how my emotional roller-coaster affects him. I don’t want to hurt him with my hurt. He knows how much the circumstances we are in, hurt me. Nevertheless, I get to work through my pain on my own. Because, well, you know, he’s been honest with me from the beginning and I agreed to proceed nevertheless.

When he says that he misses me ‘so much it hurts’, I’m supposed to feel good and simply know that he really does loves me that much too, even though he shows me time and time again, that the way he prioritizes his time is more honoring and protective of the things/people in his life that are more, if not just, as important. I am not supposed to question his reasons nor can I ‘expect’ him to go out of his way to reach me. I’m supposed to be understanding and patient as I wait and make myself available for when he is able to give me his left-over free time.

He gets to do what he loves or enjoys, on his own, and anytime. He has no problem being away from me to enjoy those moments but will insist that he wishes he could be with me. Yet, will exclude me, nevertheless. Of course, what he does is meaningful and full of intent. And again, because of the circumstances, I should be accepting and understanding. I have no right to express any upset, he is just being true to himself and honoring his Soul. The rest, is on me. Again, those are my triggers and I have to heal those on my own.

I too, get to do what I love or enjoy, on my own and at any time. But if something does not ‘agree’ with him, it’s perfectly acceptable for him to question my motives or intent. I get to feel as if I’ve done something against him and must evaluate my behavior more closely. I suppose that triggers me too. Must I pursue deeper healing on this one too? I’m a fucking mess…

There are people in his life he loves and cares for. He has a long history of honorable commitments with them. They do come first. I’m not supposed to meet any of them. We agreed from the beginning that it’d be best if we kept ‘this’ to ourselves because they would not understand us and we don’t want to deal with input, judgement, or painful consequences/reactions. More often than not, I have felt like his ‘sidekick’, his respite, his relief or distraction from the monotony of the lifestyle he insists he’s so unhappy in. As much as I know he loves me and as much as he had tried to convince me that I’m his everything, I haven’t felt the real or full effect of his statement.

He has met my sons. He also comes to see me when he’s able to ‘get away’.  Again, I get to be grateful and satisfied with his gesture for granting me some of his free time. As I know that every minute together counts, I am often left feeling so unimportant or insignificant. When or how do I get to heal this trigger?!

If we are mirroring each other, if we are here to help each other reach the so called Spiritual Awakening together, When do I get to stop feeling so alone in this?

I am in continuous pain. The special moments in his presence are beginning to feel more like band aids on broken bones. The time away from him is beginning to feel like an oxygen mask. I’m fully alive at times and half dead all others. Yet, Loving him continues to be so much easier than breathing.

The more time passes, the more uncertain I feel about the Union we sometimes talk about. And I say sometimes, because I feel as if I’m a continuous ‘NAG’ in that conversation. I haven’t been able to find the FULL level of acceptance or faith in this whole process. I am clear that our love is infinitely beautiful. I am taking on my part in realizing that I am most certainly NOT energetically aligned enough to transform our circumstances, much less bring us closer to Union. I feel powerless in all of this.

I’ve gone back several times to read my messages to him. I go from one extreme to the next at such random times.
In this dynamic, he is definitely, the more mentally and emotionally mature one. He is wonderful at sorting everything out. And I get to appreciate the opportunity to discover all of my brokenness intertwined in my greatness, with him.

I just randomly remembered that the other day my head was spinning (as usual). I’d fallen asleep and was awakened by two questions: “My sweet Carmen, Is this all you really want?” “Do you not realize that I have far greater things planned for you?”
My Soul jumped. My heart hurt. My head ached. My body started shaking. I exhaled in the release of my tears. I was shocked and in disbelief. I didn’t like what those questions implied.  And now, I’m realizing that those questions are to be intently heard.

Unfortunately, some questions lead to more questions. And so on and so forth… like:

Am I to contemplate the bizarre idea that there could be something greater than what I’ve been experiencing?

Am I worthy and willing to receive far greater things?
Am I to continue this dynamic, with this infinite love in me and contemplate all possibilities beyond this, with OR without him?
Are these questions triggering and calling out for more wounds to heal?

I will stop right here. I have singing to do tomorrow.

I’ve known of this love between us my whole life.
I was created to love him… Since the beginning of time.
The painful reality with so much uncertainty and the awaited manifestation of our ultimate Union, remains a mystery…

…and at the end of the day,

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p.s. There’s this thing called: The Mirror Exercise (short version) I recently found (It found me, really), but I’m not enlightened enough to immerse myself in it (yet). I will very likely write about it at one point in this lifetime… maybe.

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A True Plea…

Dear Universe,

I ask that you please help me…

Heal that part of me that still hurts
Heal that part of me that still expects
Heal that part of me that still wants
Heal that part of me that still attaches
Heal that part of me that still wishes
Heal that part of me that still expects
Heal that part of me that still forgets
Heal that part of me that still regrets
Heal that part of me that still gets confused
Heal that part of me that still ignores
Heal that part of me that still cries
Heal that part of me that still expects
Heal that part of me that still doubts You
Heal that part of me that still lashes out
Heal that part of me that still hides
Heal that part of me that still runs
Heal that part of me that still expects
Heal that part of me that still avoids

Heal the Ego/Human part of me that has kept me from seeing The Divine Truth…

Help me remember that I am Safe
Help me remember that I am Worthy
Help me remember that I am Loveable
Help me remember that I am Wonderful
Help me remember that I am True
Help me remember that I am Valuable
Help me remember that I am Deserving
Help me remember that I am Worthy
Help me remember that I am Strong
Help me remember that I am Kind
Help me remember that I am Compassionate
Help me remember that I am Creative
Help me remember that I am Thoughtful
Help me remember that I am Spirit
Help me remember that I am Worthy
Help me remember that I am Loving
Help me remember that I am Complete

(In reviewing the above, I found it interesting that I repeated the words ‘expects’ and ‘worthy’ … hmm🤔)

More specifically, help me Let Go. Help me start Living and Thriving.

With all that I know needs healing and all that I need to remember, help me see that no matter what I choose, no matter what happens, no matter what comes or goes, no matter what ends or begins, no matter who stays or leaves, the joy in me will continue to shine through.

I Am ready to be and feel completely alive with My Self!

<<<<<<
;<<<<<
t;<<<<
gt;

April 12, 1966

Happy Birthday to you, baby…

My precious birthday girl
What do you want to say to me?
It’s your 52nd birthday??
You were born in ’66?

My precious birthday girl
What do you want me to know?
To remember that you’re there,
Wanting me to love you more?

Happy birthday to you! baby,
In those moments when you smile
Happy birthday to you baby,
When in love or in denial.

Do you want some birthday cake?
Filled with strawberries and cream?
Will it help release your tears?
Will it suffocate your scream!?

What about your favorite ice cream?
Tangy lemon sounds so good
Just like the many reminders
Bitter sweet lessons unlearned.

Happy birthday to you! baby,
When you speak and I don’t listen
Happy birthday to you baby,
When awakened, are you sleeping?

What about the birthday presents?!
Everything you never wished for
The surprises not so pleasant
Nicely wrapped with pretty ribbons

Do you have a favorite place?
That you would like me to see?
You want me to play in the world?
I’m really good at hide-and-go-seek!

Happy birthday to you! baby,
When you’re feeling so alone
Happy birthday to you baby,
When you just want to belong.

Tell me now, my precious girl,
What do you want me to say?
Do you want me to just listen?
Are you still feeling afraid?

Forgive me, my birthday girl
For ignoring you so much
For not listening to you
For not holding you enough.

Happy birthday to you! baby,
When you witness my heart breaking
Happy birthday to you baby,
When some joy comforts some aching

What do you want me to promise?
You know I don’t like that word
I would rather you remind me
LOUD! So, you can be heard!!

This is such a special day
To be grateful and celebrate
The love you freely express
When you’re not hiding or when you’re distressed

Happy birthday to you! baby,
In moments when you reach out
Happy birthday to you baby,
I will still be here, somehow.

My precious birthday girl,
It’s just one more of those times
When things feel heavy and intense
Where uncertainty resides

My precious birthday girl,
Am I listening to you?
While I overthink some more?
In the midst of solitude?

Happy birthday to you! baby,
Are you feeling so exposed?
Happy birthday to you baby,
Maybe this is just a hoax . . .?

No Life Jacket

I want the end of our story
To be a BIG lie!
This isn’t the end
True love never dies.
But this chapter we’re writing
I don’t comprehend
What does it want from us?
It is not our friend

With unwanted lessons
Unexpected hurts
Unfulfilled yearnings
Dreamlike desires
Our lives put on hold

If God is the ocean
A drop of water are you and I
Pure Love is the essence
The Source is our presence

If Love is the answer,
Then, what are the questions?
How many drops does the ocean have?
Suffice it to say,
I’m not good with Math

I also lost count
Of my shedded tears
For the times I hurt
because of our fears

Yet, in the vast immensity
Of Love so majestic
A gigantic wave
Put two drops of Love face to face

What was the purpose
Of such an event?
To put us together?
To test us again?
To write pretty songs?
Or more words in my blog?
To build more endurance
Of our hearts falling weak?
Or is this just a joke
That inspires poetry?
Who cares if any of this
Doesn’t quite rhyme?!
Or to get our attention
For falling asleep?
To wake us up in a jolt
To make us cry endlessly?

What is the reason
For this nasty chapter?!!
I’m tired of lessons
And questions with
Unclear answers.

I’m sick of logic
And opinions of time
That hide the true magic
Of our love sublime.

I’m tired of swimming
In the ocean of Life
I want a life jacket
I just want to stop.

I come face to face
With unpredictable waves
I’m gasping for air
What makes me so scared??!!

I know it’s just panic
I have no control
I don’t know how to swim
Let the truth be told.

 

Completely Exposed

twin-flame-stages-3

My secret love is not so secret. It’s evidently showing up in the way I see, in my breathing, in my speaking, in my writing, in my singing, in my learning of the flow that must continue.

My secret love is not so secret because the way my body reacts in his presence is undeniably delicious and I give into his touch, the sound of his voice, the look in his eyes, and the feel of his Soul.

My secret love is not so secret. It takes me over from the inside and out like a cleansing breath that exposes all my truths, my fears, my doubts, my excuses, and masks, leaving me vulnerably loved and caressed.

merging

My secret love is not so secret. He and I know that our experience together is being shared with the world in strong and unseen ways.

My secret love is not so secret. We are in an open captive space that freely allows our loving energy, and our contribution to make a difference, to flow freely in every direction possible.

My secret love is not so secret. Divine forces re-directed our paths, reuniting us to weave our tired Souls into each other.

two half fires

My secret love is not so secret. That which cannot be described, measured, or seen decided we were ready to finally meet.

My secret love is not so secret. Only ‘Special Eyes’ can see that our Deep Love keeps us from being seen. We flow in ways that can only be felt by what we do separately and together.

My secret love is not so secret. We are Divinely protected and watched over by bigger eyes and deeper forces. Only those in tune with such power can clearly see, that my secret love, is not so secret.

contracts

 

Como Fue

pv mex

¿Como Fue
Puerto Vallarta,
qué me enamore?
Descubrí
En Tu Belleza
El amor en mi

¿Como Fue
Puerto Vallarta,
que Te Pude Ver?
Y sentir
Sutil Etéreo
Y Descanso en ti

La brisa de tus mares — Me sonrió
Siluetas femeninas — Con Candor
Bellezas tan Divinas — Del Amor
Entretejen tus raíces dentro de mi

Caminos y Senderos — Recorrí
Llenaron de energía — Mi sentir
La Esperanza viva
Que en mi Alma contigo siento

Ni distancia
Ni tiempo
Lograran que te olvide… jamás
La forma en que me entregas
Tu calor
convierte mis miedos
En tu amor

A….limé…ntame
En Esplendor Divino
Envuélveme
Mi amor, por ti, no tiene fin, te amo asi
Vives en Miiiiii

¿Como Fue
Puerto Vallarta,
qué me enamore?
Descubrí
En Tu Belleza
El amor en mi

¿Como Fue
Puerto Vallarta,
que Te Pude Ver?
Y sentir
Sutil Etéreo
Descanso en ti

La brisa de tus mares — Me sonrió
Siluetas femeninas — Con Candor
Bellezas tan Divinas — Del Amor
Entretejen tus raíces dentro de mi

Con el tiempo sentimos
Todo lo que supimos compartir
Todo lo que vivimos al soñar
Un futuro infinito . . . por forjar

Ni distancia
Ni tiempo
Lograran que te olvide jamás
La forma en que me entregas
Tu calor
convierte mis miedos
En tu amor

La Distancia
Y el tiempo
hacen amar más intenso
Porque cuando estoy lejos de ti
Sueño en volver

A…limé…ntame
En Esplendor Divino
Envuélveme
Mi amor, por ti, no tiene fin, te amo asi
Vives en Miiiiii

Puerto Vallarta, Vallarta, Vallarta
Vives en mi
Envuelto en ti
Yo te amo
Yo te amo
Yo te amo
Así fue como yo me enamore de ti.

pv mexi

COMO FUE (How to say?)

How to say,
I came to see
the magic
In your face?
Open sea
Puerto Vallarta
A warm embrace

How to say,
Loving enchantment
And refreshing breeze?
Breathing in
Ethereal beauty
Fills me with peace

The ocean made me smile —with a wave
The women with their beauty —and their sway
Divinity in the people —just to love
The weaving of your heart
Within my Soul

My feet needing the grounding—in your sand
Your energy fulfilling —what I need
The vibrant hope that is
Deep in my Soul
Your loving Treasure

There’s no time
There’s no distance
That would get in the way of our bond
You saturate my body
With your warmth
Dissipating my fears
Into your love

Feed….me in your…embrace
Divinity in your splendor
Your caress
Stay with me
Keep me near
You live in me…

 

Collision

lost souls

Our Souls Collided
In the embracing sound
Of our written words
And I heard you…

Our Souls Collided
In Welcoming Joy
And Nothing Certain
And you felt me…

Our Souls Collided
Into Melting Love
And Overflowing Peace
Spilled on Purpose…

Our Souls Collided
In Such Surprise
And Fearful Blindness
And We Froze…
souls collide
Our Souls Collided
In Desperate Times
When we know nothing
And Our Moments Paused…

Our Souls Collided
In The Painful Warmth
Of Our Frozen Limits
Leaving Us Exposed…

Our Souls Collided
Waking Up Dreams
Of Untold Longings
And Our Logic Ignored…

Our Souls Collided
With No Return
To the Sleepy Darkness
Our Lights Are On…

Our Souls Collided
In Disagreement
Of Circumstances
Fully Ignored.
infinite