I am determined to sit quietly, and allow words to flow into some form of message or breakthrough moment. If only because it’s New Year’s Day and I will do anything to avoid doing all the things I know I should be doing instead.
I don’t do New Year’s resolutions. I’ve fallen into the ‘quitting soon after’ trap, too many times. Excuses have been a trend I’ve used for too long and I’m beginning to see how much peace of mind I’ve missed out on. Of course, there’s a story for every excuse I’ve used.
Even as I know that being honest with myself is easier, it is also vulnerably painful. Mostly because I’m still in the habit of shaming myself and I get stuck trying to recover from that!
I’ll give you examples of brutally honest (these are just the top 3 things that weigh heavy on me some days and heavier in others):
• There are boxes in my closet that I’ve been wanting to ‘clean out’. Clothes and items to donate, etc… My closet is a clear reflection of my mind. Filled with stuff that no longer serves a purpose. Lots of ‘past’ that should’ve been shredded by now. The garage has a similar effect.
• My finances: I haven’t balanced my bank account because I’m afraid to see my actual cashflow reality. I’d rather be in denial and pray for miracles, than to sit with it for more than 5 seconds. The internal physical reaction/turmoil I experience every single time I log into my bank account is pretty intense.
I can’t remember where or when I began to allow such paralyzing fear take me over. Like most people I know, I am in the financial situation I’m in because of the choices I’ve made. (and then, people who know me well, help me see or remember that some of my choices were brilliant even if the financial consequences were big)
Still… I really should be past this by now.
• I haven’t completed the translation I promised back in 2014, to a parenting book. It is the accompaniment of a parenting curriculum I was certified to teach. I practically begged for the opportunity to translate it. I completed the handbook, but I should’ve been done with the book by now.
The word “Should”… According to the dictionary, is “used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness. Typically, when criticizing someone’s actions”. Adding ‘should’ to any statement leads it straight to the shame trap.
I can replace “I should…” with “I want to…” for the sake of getting a different feel for it, but what keeps me from staying fully committed to doing what I want, is much deeper; and I have yet to dig in, in order to find my way through it. And God help me! I want to get to through it! I’m tired.
I have spoken openly about these things to my best friend. She has held my hand through many paralyzing fearful moments. She sees me through my monkey brain habits and most uplifting breakthroughs. She loves me and respects me in my choices and consequences. She is there for me through every breath I take. She is with me and for me through and through. I’m not afraid of her ever choosing NOT to love me anymore. I don’t have to change anything about me in order for her to accept me. With her, I am completely open and raw without hesitation. She also encourages me to “write it all down already! You have plenty to write about!!”
So, CHEERS to more writing?! (whenever that happens…)
I have felt like giving up so many times. Yet, I’m still here willing to be introspective. I want to grow deeper into a more authentic expression of myself. I love and care deeply, and I still get scared. Self-love and self-acceptance, continue to be a process. A progressive process.
“My inner world reflects my outer world”. I don’t remember where I read this, but I’m understanding it more and more.
What I love about this statement is that if I look closely, I can see that my outer world is actually quite beautiful!
Even though I tend to be distracted or affected by what’s not working, I’ve learned to accept the things I cannot control and focused more on being grateful. Although, sometimes that focus seems more like another form of avoiding what scares me.
So here I am, avoiding what I can on New Year’s Day, using my “I’m tired” and “rest is important too” excuse/statement. I opened the blinds of my bedroom windows to let the sun in. I feel the warmth on the right side of my body, lap top on my lap, meditation music and sounds of my son doing his Saxophone exercises LOUDLY in the other room. It is still considerably peaceful and now I’m going to take a nap…
…Tuesday, January 2, 2018
There were several squirrels running around yesterday and I tended to them… my focus was in knowing the he (His name is Love, aka Carmen’s Love) would be stopping by to get his New Year’s Day kiss(ES). I’ll tell you more about my experience of Love, in a bit.
Right now, I want to write down a synopsis of my morning:
I woke up trying to shake off what I was feeling. I dreamed that I had signed a contract to work in sales, with a business man I don’t even know; and breaking the contract would financially strap me for the rest of my life. It took me a minute, but when I opened my eyes, I felt so much better!
I reached for my phone looking for my Love’s message.
I logged on to FB – looking for some inspiring message that would propel me to do something ‘productive’.
An article about a business man who decided to start writing, caught my attention. His statement: “…shackles of childhood” resonated and led me to more words
Thoughts: “ok, Carmen… are you gonna finish writing? Are you gonna meditate? Or take a walk? Or something? Are you gonna stay in bed some more? Are you gonna have any sense of direction today or what? Meditation music? Any music? Just silence today? Again?” all while I find and save more images of quotes, and more words…
I decide on a hot shower in complete silence. No music. I talked to my Soul and said: “I’m scattered again!!!” She responds: “Shh… “ I won’t write all my questions, just what I heard her say:
“Clear your mind. For you. Get rid of it. Write it down. Share it.”
After my shower, I had a light breakfast, came back to my room and did a 10-minute guided meditation. I struggled with it, and completed it.
All of this while checking my phone to make sure I didn’t miss his call or text. (I didn’t. We’ve been texting as I’m writing. Not completely out of focus. I treasure every moment I get to hear from him).
Ok! That was just a tiny snap shot of my adventurous mind…
I chose to write ‘it’ down. I want to release my subconscious. I’m digging in with no sense of direction. I just know that my chest is tight and my mind is racing. I need to free myself and tell ‘those stories’. The stories that still in some ways, keep me confined and suppressed. The good stories I made up to impress others with and the ones I learned to hide so well, in order to feel accepted or loved. I want to more thoroughly dismantle, layer by layer, the thick solid armor I put up over time. I have been working on this for quite some time.
I believe I have reached a point of healing that allows me to express myself more authentically. I can express how I feel in ways that I’m heard. I’ve learned that the times I communicate best are when I’m listening more intently. I’m able to focus on being more loving, more compassionate, kinder and more patient with myself and with others. I am more forgiving and less critical of myself. Self-doubt still shows up, but it doesn’t run me. The most fulfilling moments in my life have come when I allowed myself to be more vulnerable, more transparent. More importantly, I’ve learned that I can forget any lesson at any given time. Hey, Life Happens!
I’m more aware that I can still get lost in my own fears. I can still guard myself right up at the very sight of a ‘trigger’. You know, those moments when someone says or does something that immediately takes you to “that sounds like, looks like, or feels like the time when…”; the stuff that makes your defenses come up and you’ll either run or attack to protect yourself from hurting again. Some triggers still give me the fight-or-flight response and I get completely removed from the current present moment. Yet, as I get better at trusting myself, and others, I also get better at allowing each layer to just come off.
The one thing I’m fully focused on without distraction, hesitation, or doubt, is my process. I’m aware that change is happening within me and around me. I am fully committed to being present in my heart. I want to strip away everything that gets in the way of my Soul’s expression. Who I AM. If I had to come up with goals to get my own sense of fulfillment, this would be it. All the other goals involve doing, accomplishing, practical things that I struggle with day in and day out.
The things that are absolutely necessary to live in this world, require so much focus and discipline. For me, sometimes they feel heavy and redundant. If you are one of those who gets excited about opening the mail and paying your bills, I’d love for you to mentor me! Tell me and show me something I don’t already know, please!
To clarify, I do feel good about paying my bills on time. I do feel good about having a job that provides. I do feel good about making money. I’m good with budgeting accordingly(sometimes). But seriously, the cash flow has been tricky for me for so long, I can’t remember that last time I had genuine peace of mind with finances. I’ve been able to provide for my kids somehow. I’ve been the sole provider since my divorce. I’m not afraid to work extra if I have to. Now that they’re adults, they could still use my help and if I’m the only one they can count on, well, there you have it.
Tough times get tougher sometimes.
Yes, I’ve needed help. A LOT. I learned that the protective layer called “pride”, had to come off if I was to ask for help; And then again to receive it. I had to spit on my pride in moments when I knew I was receiving help from (I couldn’t see it clearly at the time), not so well intended human/s.
Overall, I know that I didn’t come this far alone. I’ve been supported and sustained in so many ways by generously loving people who’ve come into my life. But here’s the most vulnerably uncomfortable statement I’ll make:
I am not ok with this continuous struggle. I still hate asking for help. I don’t like admitting that I continue to struggle. And I most definitely don’t want to feel like such a loser for admitting that I am far from perfect in my budgeting strategies.
My biggest, heaviest, and deepest pain comes from realizing that I still feel unworthy of receiving because I haven’t done anything to earn it. Unless I’ve worked for it, or have done something valuable in return, something that solidifies my contribution, it will take an act of God for me to feel good in receiving it. Yes, I know… disregard the discomfort and receive anyway. Be grateful! Right? Right… I’ve had friends whose generosity has moved me to tears. They’ve asked for nothing in return and I still feel as if I owe them my life. How does one overcome such limiting beliefs?!
I decided to create a new belief system. I’ve focused more energy on the things I’m inspired to do and I’ve enjoyed making money doing what I love. Truth is, I get tired and discouraged more often than I’d like. I remain positive and determined every time I want to give up. I continue moving forward doing what I can with what I know. I continue going deeper into my fears in search of healing or relief. So much so, that I am writing about it and sharing it with the world.
Ok, moving on…
I’ve expanded on one of my top three mentioned above examples. Detailing the effects of not cleaning out my closet or not yet completing the book translation, would turn this blog entry into an entirely scattered book!
It’s interesting to see how I prefer writing about it and publishing it, instead of openly speaking about it to those I love, trust, and respect. I know I’m consumed in harsh self-judgment against myself! And this behavior contradicts everything I’ve claimed to have learned. And admitting that is still, well, embarrassing.
Still, putting it ‘out there’ gives me a sense of contribution. I’m sharing parts of me that I struggle with and I’m still here, honoring my need to release and come clean with myself, assuming someone out there might benefit or relate somehow. Exposing my insecurities is daring, and to some, unnecessary. Even though the process is far from comfortable, it also feels as if I’m exhaling heaviness to make room for my next deep breath; a deep cleansing breath.
I am ready for a miracle. A G A I N.
I want to give up…
• Insisting to believe that everything I just wrote reflects who I really am
• The habit of feeling less than for the mistakes I’ve made and still haven’t learned from
• The need to hide or protect the deepest, most loving parts of me that my loved ones are missing out on
• Thinking that being completely exposed is risky and those I love most may give up on me.
• Feeling like I have very little power over so much, so often.
• My doubts in everything I’ve known to be true.
• Feeling as if being out of control puts me in harm’s way
• Relaxing the tight grip on the handle of the emotional rollercoaster I get myself on. I’m securely strapped! (I can enjoy the ride! Right?)
• Hesitating at times in the things I’m passionate about
• Doubting my ability to create and re-create like I’ve done over and over and over all these years.
I have written endlessly with no sense of direction and somewhat focused (at times). I can see how what I’ve written is more like a conversation/debate with my Ego than an inspiring piece. I’m aware of the shadow part of me and the ‘ME’ that is still learning to detach from, ignore, or decipher such conversations/debates.
I don’t follow any ‘proper writing’ format. I’m just glad I have a platform to be able to write as I wish. If you made it this far, I thank you for your attention. If you wish to leave a comment, please do so. Just know that any writing advice you may have for me, may go unnoticed.