…I Want To Give Up


I am determined to sit quietly, and allow words to flow into some form of message or breakthrough moment. If only because it’s New Year’s Day and I will do anything to avoid doing all the things I know I should be doing instead.
I don’t do New Year’s resolutions. I’ve fallen into the ‘quitting soon after’ trap, too many times. Excuses have been a trend I’ve used for too long and I’m beginning to see how much peace of mind I’ve missed out on. Of course, there’s a story for every excuse I’ve used.

Even as I know that being honest with myself is easier, it is also vulnerably painful. Mostly because I’m still in the habit of shaming myself and I get stuck trying to recover from that!
I’ll give you examples of brutally honest (these are just the top 3 things that weigh heavy on me some days and heavier in others):
• There are boxes in my closet that I’ve been wanting to ‘clean out’. Clothes and items to donate, etc… My closet is a clear reflection of my mind. Filled with stuff that no longer serves a purpose. Lots of ‘past’ that should’ve been shredded by now. The garage has a similar effect.
• My finances: I haven’t balanced my bank account because I’m afraid to see my actual cashflow reality. I’d rather be in denial and pray for miracles, than to sit with it for more than 5 seconds. The internal physical reaction/turmoil I experience every single time I log into my bank account is pretty intense.
I can’t remember where or when I began to allow such paralyzing fear take me over. Like most people I know, I am in the financial situation I’m in because of the choices I’ve made. (and then, people who know me well, help me see or remember that some of my choices were brilliant even if the financial consequences were big)
Still… I really should be past this by now.
• I haven’t completed the translation I promised back in 2014, to a parenting book. It is the accompaniment of a parenting curriculum I was certified to teach. I practically begged for the opportunity to translate it. I completed the handbook, but I should’ve been done with the book by now.

The word “Should”… According to the dictionary, is “used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness. Typically, when criticizing someone’s actions”. Adding ‘should’ to any statement leads it straight to the shame trap.
I can replace “I should…” with “I want to…” for the sake of getting a different feel for it, but what keeps me from staying fully committed to doing what I want, is much deeper; and I have yet to dig in, in order to find my way through it. And God help me! I want to get to through it! I’m tired.

I have spoken openly about these things to my best friend. She has held my hand through many paralyzing fearful moments. She sees me through my monkey brain habits and most uplifting breakthroughs. She loves me and respects me in my choices and consequences. She is there for me through every breath I take. She is with me and for me through and through. I’m not afraid of her ever choosing NOT to love me anymore. I don’t have to change anything about me in order for her to accept me. With her, I am completely open and raw without hesitation. She also encourages me to “write it all down already! You have plenty to write about!!”
So, CHEERS to more writing?! (whenever that happens…)

I have felt like giving up so many times. Yet, I’m still here willing to be introspective. I want to grow deeper into a more authentic expression of myself. I love and care deeply, and I still get scared. Self-love and self-acceptance, continue to be a process. A progressive process.

“My inner world reflects my outer world”. I don’t remember where I read this, but I’m understanding it more and more.
What I love about this statement is that if I look closely, I can see that my outer world is actually quite beautiful!
Even though I tend to be distracted or affected by what’s not working, I’ve learned to accept the things I cannot control and focused more on being grateful. Although, sometimes that focus seems more like another form of avoiding what scares me.

So here I am, avoiding what I can on New Year’s Day, using my “I’m tired” and “rest is important too” excuse/statement. I opened the blinds of my bedroom windows to let the sun in. I feel the warmth on the right side of my body, lap top on my lap, meditation music and sounds of my son doing his Saxophone exercises LOUDLY in the other room. It is still considerably peaceful and now I’m going to take a nap…

…Tuesday, January 2, 2018
There were several squirrels running around yesterday and I tended to them… my focus was in knowing the he (His name is Love, aka Carmen’s Love) would be stopping by to get his New Year’s Day kiss(ES). I’ll tell you more about my experience of Love, in a bit.
Right now, I want to write down a synopsis of my morning:
 I woke up trying to shake off what I was feeling. I dreamed that I had signed a contract to work in sales, with a business man I don’t even know; and breaking the contract would financially strap me for the rest of my life. It took me a minute, but when I opened my eyes, I felt so much better!
 I reached for my phone looking for my Love’s message.
 I logged on to FB – looking for some inspiring message that would propel me to do something ‘productive’.
 An article about a business man who decided to start writing, caught my attention. His statement: “…shackles of childhood” resonated and led me to more words
 Thoughts: “ok, Carmen… are you gonna finish writing? Are you gonna meditate? Or take a walk? Or something? Are you gonna stay in bed some more? Are you gonna have any sense of direction today or what? Meditation music? Any music? Just silence today? Again?” all while I find and save more images of quotes, and more words…
 I decide on a hot shower in complete silence. No music. I talked to my Soul and said: “I’m scattered again!!!” She responds: “Shh… “ I won’t write all my questions, just what I heard her say:
“Clear your mind. For you. Get rid of it. Write it down. Share it.”
 After my shower, I had a light breakfast, came back to my room and did a 10-minute guided meditation. I struggled with it, and completed it.
 All of this while checking my phone to make sure I didn’t miss his call or text. (I didn’t. We’ve been texting as I’m writing. Not completely out of focus. I treasure every moment I get to hear from him).
Ok! That was just a tiny snap shot of my adventurous mind…

I chose to write ‘it’ down. I want to release my subconscious. I’m digging in with no sense of direction. I just know that my chest is tight and my mind is racing. I need to free myself and tell ‘those stories’. The stories that still in some ways, keep me confined and suppressed. The good stories I made up to impress others with and the ones I learned to hide so well, in order to feel accepted or loved. I want to more thoroughly dismantle, layer by layer, the thick solid armor I put up over time. I have been working on this for quite some time.

I believe I have reached a point of healing that allows me to express myself more authentically. I can express how I feel in ways that I’m heard. I’ve learned that the times I communicate best are when I’m listening more intently. I’m able to focus on being more loving, more compassionate, kinder and more patient with myself and with others. I am more forgiving and less critical of myself. Self-doubt still shows up, but it doesn’t run me. The most fulfilling moments in my life have come when I allowed myself to be more vulnerable, more transparent. More importantly, I’ve learned that I can forget any lesson at any given time. Hey, Life Happens!
I’m more aware that I can still get lost in my own fears. I can still guard myself right up at the very sight of a ‘trigger’. You know, those moments when someone says or does something that immediately takes you to “that sounds like, looks like, or feels like the time when…”; the stuff that makes your defenses come up and you’ll either run or attack to protect yourself from hurting again. Some triggers still give me the fight-or-flight response and I get completely removed from the current present moment. Yet, as I get better at trusting myself, and others, I also get better at allowing each layer to just come off.

The one thing I’m fully focused on without distraction, hesitation, or doubt, is my process. I’m aware that change is happening within me and around me. I am fully committed to being present in my heart. I want to strip away everything that gets in the way of my Soul’s expression. Who I AM. If I had to come up with goals to get my own sense of fulfillment, this would be it. All the other goals involve doing, accomplishing, practical things that I struggle with day in and day out.

The things that are absolutely necessary to live in this world, require so much focus and discipline. For me, sometimes they feel heavy and redundant. If you are one of those who gets excited about opening the mail and paying your bills, I’d love for you to mentor me! Tell me and show me something I don’t already know, please!

To clarify, I do feel good about paying my bills on time. I do feel good about having a job that provides. I do feel good about making money. I’m good with budgeting accordingly(sometimes). But seriously, the cash flow has been tricky for me for so long, I can’t remember that last time I had genuine peace of mind with finances. I’ve been able to provide for my kids somehow. I’ve been the sole provider since my divorce. I’m not afraid to work extra if I have to. Now that they’re adults, they could still use my help and if I’m the only one they can count on, well, there you have it.
Tough times get tougher sometimes.

Yes, I’ve needed help. A LOT. I learned that the protective layer called “pride”, had to come off if I was to ask for help; And then again to receive it. I had to spit on my pride in moments when I knew I was receiving help from (I couldn’t see it clearly at the time), not so well intended human/s.

Overall, I know that I didn’t come this far alone. I’ve been supported and sustained in so many ways by generously loving people who’ve come into my life. But here’s the most vulnerably uncomfortable statement I’ll make:
I am not ok with this continuous struggle. I still hate asking for help. I don’t like admitting that I continue to struggle. And I most definitely don’t want to feel like such a loser for admitting that I am far from perfect in my budgeting strategies.
My biggest, heaviest, and deepest pain comes from realizing that I still feel unworthy of receiving because I haven’t done anything to earn it. Unless I’ve worked for it, or have done something valuable in return, something that solidifies my contribution, it will take an act of God for me to feel good in receiving it. Yes, I know… disregard the discomfort and receive anyway. Be grateful! Right? Right… I’ve had friends whose generosity has moved me to tears. They’ve asked for nothing in return and I still feel as if I owe them my life. How does one overcome such limiting beliefs?!

I decided to create a new belief system. I’ve focused more energy on the things I’m inspired to do and I’ve enjoyed making money doing what I love. Truth is, I get tired and discouraged more often than I’d like. I remain positive and determined every time I want to give up. I continue moving forward doing what I can with what I know. I continue going deeper into my fears in search of healing or relief. So much so, that I am writing about it and sharing it with the world.

Ok, moving on…
I’ve expanded on one of my top three mentioned above examples. Detailing the effects of not cleaning out my closet or not yet completing the book translation, would turn this blog entry into an entirely scattered book!
It’s interesting to see how I prefer writing about it and publishing it, instead of openly speaking about it to those I love, trust, and respect. I know I’m consumed in harsh self-judgment against myself! And this behavior contradicts everything I’ve claimed to have learned. And admitting that is still, well, embarrassing.
Still, putting it ‘out there’ gives me a sense of contribution. I’m sharing parts of me that I struggle with and I’m still here, honoring my need to release and come clean with myself, assuming someone out there might benefit or relate somehow. Exposing my insecurities is daring, and to some, unnecessary. Even though the process is far from comfortable, it also feels as if I’m exhaling heaviness to make room for my next deep breath; a deep cleansing breath.

I am ready for a miracle. A G A I N.

I want to give up…
• Insisting to believe that everything I just wrote reflects who I really am
• The habit of feeling less than for the mistakes I’ve made and still haven’t learned from
• The need to hide or protect the deepest, most loving parts of me that my loved ones are missing out on
• Thinking that being completely exposed is risky and those I love most may give up on me.
• Feeling like I have very little power over so much, so often.
• My doubts in everything I’ve known to be true.
• Feeling as if being out of control puts me in harm’s way
• Relaxing the tight grip on the handle of the emotional rollercoaster I get myself on. I’m securely strapped! (I can enjoy the ride! Right?)
• Hesitating at times in the things I’m passionate about
• Doubting my ability to create and re-create like I’ve done over and over and over all these years.

I have written endlessly with no sense of direction and somewhat focused (at times). I can see how what I’ve written is more like a conversation/debate with my Ego than an inspiring piece. I’m aware of the shadow part of me and the ‘ME’ that is still learning to detach from, ignore, or decipher such conversations/debates.
I don’t follow any ‘proper writing’ format. I’m just glad I have a platform to be able to write as I wish. If you made it this far, I thank you for your attention. If you wish to leave a comment, please do so. Just know that any writing advice you may have for me, may go unnoticed.

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No Life Jacket

I want the end of our story
To be a BIG lie!
This isn’t the end
True love never dies.
But this chapter we’re writing
I don’t comprehend
What does it want from us?
It is not our friend

With unwanted lessons
Unexpected hurts
Unfulfilled yearnings
Dreamlike desires
Our lives put on hold

If God is the ocean
A drop of water are you and I
Pure Love is the essence
The Source is our presence

If Love is the answer,
Then, what are the questions?
How many drops does the ocean have?
Suffice it to say,
I’m not good with Math

I also lost count
Of my shedded tears
For the times I hurt
because of our fears

Yet, in the vast immensity
Of Love so majestic
A gigantic wave
Put two drops of Love face to face

What was the purpose
Of such an event?
To put us together?
To test us again?
To write pretty songs?
Or more words in my blog?
To build more endurance
Of our hearts falling weak?
Or is this just a joke
That inspires poetry?
Who cares if any of this
Doesn’t quite rhyme?!
Or to get our attention
For falling asleep?
To wake us up in a jolt
To make us cry endlessly?

What is the reason
For this nasty chapter?!!
I’m tired of lessons
And questions with
Unclear answers.

I’m sick of logic
And opinions of time
That hide the true magic
Of our love sublime.

I’m tired of swimming
In the ocean of Life
I want a life jacket
I just want to stop.

I come face to face
With unpredictable waves
I’m gasping for air
What makes me so scared??!!

I know it’s just panic
I have no control
I don’t know how to swim
Let the truth be told.

 

Completely Exposed

twin-flame-stages-3

My secret love is not so secret. It’s evidently showing up in the way I see, in my breathing, in my speaking, in my writing, in my singing, in my learning of the flow that must continue.

My secret love is not so secret because the way my body reacts in his presence is undeniably delicious and I give into his touch, the sound of his voice, the look in his eyes, and the feel of his Soul.

My secret love is not so secret. It takes me over from the inside and out like a cleansing breath that exposes all my truths, my fears, my doubts, my excuses, and masks, leaving me vulnerably loved and caressed.

merging

My secret love is not so secret. He and I know that our experience together is being shared with the world in strong and unseen ways.

My secret love is not so secret. We are in an open captive space that freely allows our loving energy, and our contribution to make a difference, to flow freely in every direction possible.

My secret love is not so secret. Divine forces re-directed our paths, reuniting us to weave our tired Souls into each other.

two half fires

My secret love is not so secret. That which cannot be described, measured, or seen decided we were ready to finally meet.

My secret love is not so secret. Only ‘Special Eyes’ can see that our Deep Love keeps us from being seen. We flow in ways that can only be felt by what we do separately and together.

My secret love is not so secret. We are Divinely protected and watched over by bigger eyes and deeper forces. Only those in tune with such power can clearly see, that my secret love, is not so secret.

contracts

 

Como Fue

pv mex

¿Como Fue
Puerto Vallarta,
qué me enamore?
Descubrí
En Tu Belleza
El amor en mi

¿Como Fue
Puerto Vallarta,
que Te Pude Ver?
Y sentir
Sutil Etéreo
Y Descanso en ti

La brisa de tus mares — Me sonrió
Siluetas femeninas — Con Candor
Bellezas tan Divinas — Del Amor
Entretejen tus raíces dentro de mi

Caminos y Senderos — Recorrí
Llenaron de energía — Mi sentir
La Esperanza viva
Que en mi Alma contigo siento

Ni distancia
Ni tiempo
Lograran que te olvide… jamás
La forma en que me entregas
Tu calor
convierte mis miedos
En tu amor

A….limé…ntame
En Esplendor Divino
Envuélveme
Mi amor, por ti, no tiene fin, te amo asi
Vives en Miiiiii

¿Como Fue
Puerto Vallarta,
qué me enamore?
Descubrí
En Tu Belleza
El amor en mi

¿Como Fue
Puerto Vallarta,
que Te Pude Ver?
Y sentir
Sutil Etéreo
Descanso en ti

La brisa de tus mares — Me sonrió
Siluetas femeninas — Con Candor
Bellezas tan Divinas — Del Amor
Entretejen tus raíces dentro de mi

Con el tiempo sentimos
Todo lo que supimos compartir
Todo lo que vivimos al soñar
Un futuro infinito . . . por forjar

Ni distancia
Ni tiempo
Lograran que te olvide jamás
La forma en que me entregas
Tu calor
convierte mis miedos
En tu amor

La Distancia
Y el tiempo
hacen amar más intenso
Porque cuando estoy lejos de ti
Sueño en volver

A…limé…ntame
En Esplendor Divino
Envuélveme
Mi amor, por ti, no tiene fin, te amo asi
Vives en Miiiiii

Puerto Vallarta, Vallarta, Vallarta
Vives en mi
Envuelto en ti
Yo te amo
Yo te amo
Yo te amo
Así fue como yo me enamore de ti.

pv mexi

COMO FUE (How to say?)

How to say,
I came to see
the magic
In your face?
Open sea
Puerto Vallarta
A warm embrace

How to say,
Loving enchantment
And refreshing breeze?
Breathing in
Ethereal beauty
Fills me with peace

The ocean made me smile —with a wave
The women with their beauty —and their sway
Divinity in the people —just to love
The weaving of your heart
Within my Soul

My feet needing the grounding—in your sand
Your energy fulfilling —what I need
The vibrant hope that is
Deep in my Soul
Your loving Treasure

There’s no time
There’s no distance
That would get in the way of our bond
You saturate my body
With your warmth
Dissipating my fears
Into your love

Feed….me in your…embrace
Divinity in your splendor
Your caress
Stay with me
Keep me near
You live in me…

 

Collision

lost souls

Our Souls Collided
In the embracing sound
Of our written words
And I heard you…

Our Souls Collided
In Welcoming Joy
And Nothing Certain
And you felt me…

Our Souls Collided
Into Melting Love
And Overflowing Peace
Spilled on Purpose…

Our Souls Collided
In Such Surprise
And Fearful Blindness
And We Froze…
souls collide
Our Souls Collided
In Desperate Times
When we know nothing
And Our Moments Paused…

Our Souls Collided
In The Painful Warmth
Of Our Frozen Limits
Leaving Us Exposed…

Our Souls Collided
Waking Up Dreams
Of Untold Longings
And Our Logic Ignored…

Our Souls Collided
With No Return
To the Sleepy Darkness
Our Lights Are On…

Our Souls Collided
In Disagreement
Of Circumstances
Fully Ignored.
infinite

Angel Eyes

When Tender Love
Just comes and goes
The heart cracks open
The Soul reveals
The very lack of stillness

Your Angel Eyes
With Loving Light
Led me to see
That in one Embrace
Our very Souls collided

And that is when
That one memory
Of the last time I saw you
Next to me
Was exposing the sadness
With no return
I let you go in silence
 
And even when
That one memory
When I thought it was best
To set you free
I remembered the light
In your Angel Eyes
Would lead you
Back to me.
 

Ojos de Ángel

Cuando el amor
Viene y se va
Enciende llamas
Abre el corazón
Y nos deja sin calma

Con esa luz
De tu mirar
Pude sentir
Que tus ojos de Ángel
Vieron a mi Alma

Pero después
El recuerdo
De la ultima vez
Que te vi
Me lleno de nostalgia
Te dije adiós
Sin esperar mas nada

Y aunque después
De el recuerdo
Cuando yo pensé
Que te perdi
Vi como iluminaban
Tus ojos de Angel
Tu camino hacia mi
Hacia mi

What is True Love?

the course of true love never did run smooth

What is True Love?

Is it the Prayer for Truth, before falling asleep, because my chest and my heart ache; and I struggle with breathing? Or, my faith in the knowing that the answers will reveal and release the pressure of this new experience.

Is it waking up at 2:24 in the morning, reaching for the phone, curious to find a message, with mind racing thoughts that tap into some reality? Or my Spirit wanting to get my attention?

Is it tossing and turning as Truths struggle to reveal themselves and I reach for my lap top at 3:17 am? Or, my need to empty my mind and give it a rest?

reflect truth

What is True Love?

Is it all the wondering of feelings continually stirred as I struggle with the very lack of my own peace of mind? Or, the wondrous sensation of my inner joy slow dancing with my fears?

Is it the continuous measuring or comparing questions…: How much do I love him? How much does he love me? How much is enough and How much is plenty? Or, the innate need to find all the ‘right’ answers looking for ways not to get hurt?

Is it the selfish demand for self-deserving wishes of wanting it all and struggling with less? Or, settle for less; trusting the unknown depth of what we feel, to overflow into the healing of our perceived limits?

frequencies

What is True Love?

Is it my desperate need to reach for the unattainable exhausting my very Soul in defeat of my own self-worth? Or, my being open and willing to receive, appreciate, or embrace what is already mine?

Is it the way I stand for what I’ve known as true for me only to let go, give in, and dive into the experience of his touch? Or, full surrender into an experience we’ve never had before?

Is it accepting what is… with its endless limits, unknown predictions, projections, or consequences? Or, accepting what is… the essence of something Sacred.

spirit touch

What is True Love?

Is it those moments when Spirit awakens ideas to express, and the very flow of inspiration searches for ways to be openly exposed? Or, the mirror of our eyes reflecting back who we are in and with each other?

Is it the sound of a song changing vibration when expressed from a deeper Source and heard from a place of clarity? Or, just an expression of our hearts harmonizing with each other?

Is it the glimpses of time preparing me to reach into the wisdom of courage, bravery, and strength when the Truth gets revealed and I must choose again, and again? Or, the serenity of his Soul reaching for mine into a sweet embrace? 

protect it

What is True Love?

Is it my hearing of what he says? Or, the filters he’d rather remove from my ears so that I may hear his certainty? 

Is it my understanding that the shame, guilt, or fear can take the lead and our Soul connection may be placed in second, third or fourth position? Or, my humanness insisting that everything and nothing is certainly possible.

Is it my battle to defend the unknown and the knowing of my seeming truth? Or, my desire to fall on my knees, with open arms, and give into his clarity?

true love eyes open

What is True Love?

Is it my rambling thoughts, going around in circles, trying to sort all the pieces of a two-piece puzzle? Or, the simple senses that surface in an attempted glimpse of another kiss?

Is it my fears reminding me that what comes suddenly, unexpectedly, and with intense emotion, can also disappear in seconds? Or, the sense of fog that forces me to take one step at a time because that is all that can be seen in the moment? 

Is it the need to write again, if only to capture moments I want to remember? Or, my need to document my thoughts because I’m still searching for the deeper truth of this “What is Love?” experience?

no ending