And so I thought… with all it’s possible contradictions.

I begin by saying
“I’m sorry”
for not knowing how to keep my deep hidden or unacknowledged
unhealed hurt from spilling out and exposing you and those I love most, to its poison.

I don’t ask for forgiveness because the truth is, that if you are in my life, the risk of you having to see it, hear it, or being affected by it, is high.
Why bother saying things like “I’ll never do that again”?!
I’m bound to doing it again and again, in different ways and for different reasons.

I’m not sure I really know how to open up in so called ‘healthier’ ways. In ways that my openness won’t offend or hurt anyone!

I’m no longer willing to say that I can be better or different. I don’t even know what that looks like.
I’ve lost sight of me or the vision of who I thought I was.

I have life long experience of when I open up with what hurt me, with what I wanted or needed, with what I dreamed about or longed for;
Inevitably, those hearing it are either uncomfortable, hurt, confused or disapproving. And the list of suggestions begins… but not before first hearing things like, “you’re wrong”, “you’re crazy”, “you’re unreasonable”,
“your perception is twisted/wrong”

Seems as if there’s simply not enough room for a little respect, acceptance or acknowledgment.

And, Like clock work,
I end up minimizing myself, what I feel, or what I want. If only for that one ‘small’ moment.


I have been fighting against minimizing me or some part of me, my entire life.
I’ve lost so many battles already.
I feel so defeated and tired.

I’ve given up in so many ways. I’ve given ‘me’ up in even more ways, and I’ve walked out on me in a few more too.
If only to avoid feeling like how I showed up in the world is a disappointment in some small or big way. To someone.

I thought I’d put myself (after so many big FIGHTS and even BIGGER LOSSES)
on a path which I thought was leading me to the depth of me.
To recognize me
To see me.
I was beginning to savor, with small bites, the taste of my inner freedom.
I was healing big hurts and little hurts. All with their various layers.

I was ever so slowly learning and beginning to see my true essence.
I was learning to appreciate that my gifts made me good enough.
For Me.
And appreciating the value in that! Which was the best contribution of my Self to others.
So, I thought.

I thought I was learning to see and accept that my ‘not’ good enough-ness would look differently to different people. And that my belief of my own worthiness would have to come from ME and no one else.

The core ingrained belief that I’m not good enough, resurfaces ever so sneakily, in simple statements or jokes from myself and others;
‘suggestions’…’should’s.
“should be more of ‘this’ and less of ‘that’”.
There have been so many “I’m just kidding”s or “I was just messing with you”s…that I have tried so hard to dismiss, ignore, or excuse as unintentional daggers.

I don’t excuse or condone my unexpected, uncalled for, or unnecessary explosive reactions.
I just know that if you are in my life, you will feel the effect of all my unhealed ‘whatevers’.
Even if I love you from the deepest, most sacred part of me.

So, I thought that saying “I’m sorry”, should never feel as if I’m once again dismissing hurts that are mine to handle and for me to heal.

I am not sorry for my need to explode wide open. I am not sorry for revealing the hurtful parts of me that I myself, can’t hold together.


I am however DEEPLY sorry that my love for you doesn’t make you immune to it’s effects.

Advertisement

Sometimes…

Sometimes I still cry…

I still grieve. I hurt for the loss of pieces of me that I might have, at some point believed, made me feel whole and vibrant.

It’s as if I were made of clay. A piece of pottery strong and deep enough to hold so much! Yet, too fragile for the exposure of exterior experiences. Weathered out, shoved, pushed, or thrown into spaces, beaten in ways that could’ve left me completely shattered.

Sometimes I still cry…

Because even as I’m not completely broken, the Core of me remains. Worn out and tired, I find myself weaker with each passing day.

Because pieces of me have broken off leaving cracks, cuts, holes, and gaps too wide to repair.

Because the pain of my insisting that I must learn to live, love, and accept my imperfections, my incompleteness, my not enough-ness; is deep and hurtful.

Because the question: “Was I ever perfect, complete or enough?” shows up more and more each passing day with a torturing silenced no-answer.

Sometimes I still cry… I am grieving

The loss of my innocence.

What was left of it?

The part of me that felt as if I knew how to trust ever so naturally.

The part of me that felt as if I had faith in things and life as a whole.

The part of me that felt as if I was just beginning to hear my little big voice of truth.

The part of me that felt as if I was just beginning to step up and step out to be seen and heard.

The part of me that felt as if I was filled with curiosity and enthusiasm.

The part of me that felt as if I had just begun to explore my sense of inner freedom.

The part of me that used to see self-doubt as waves in the ocean that I could swim through, effortlessly.

The part of me that felt as if I was just beginning to FEEL openly and freely Self-expressed!

The part of me that longed for clarity, understanding, acknowledgement or enjoyment of my own light.

The part of me that was beginning to face a willingness to embrace my very own personal shadows.

Yes…Sometimes, I still cry.

It’s as if Those parts of me have been chipping off like pieces of dry beaten clay.

And I grieve…as I look for ways to accept that some things, are meant to stay broken, scarred, or incomplete.

I grieve and I struggle to accept or get settled in the idea that those pieces of me have served their purpose and I no longer need them……

But still, I cry.

Sometimes.

A True Plea…

Dear Universe,

I ask that you please help me…

Heal that part of me that still hurts
Heal that part of me that still expects
Heal that part of me that still wants
Heal that part of me that still attaches
Heal that part of me that still wishes
Heal that part of me that still expects
Heal that part of me that still forgets
Heal that part of me that still regrets
Heal that part of me that still gets confused
Heal that part of me that still ignores
Heal that part of me that still cries
Heal that part of me that still expects
Heal that part of me that still doubts You
Heal that part of me that still lashes out
Heal that part of me that still hides
Heal that part of me that still runs
Heal that part of me that still expects
Heal that part of me that still avoids

Heal the Ego/Human part of me that has kept me from seeing The Divine Truth…

Help me remember that I am Safe
Help me remember that I am Worthy
Help me remember that I am Loveable
Help me remember that I am Wonderful
Help me remember that I am True
Help me remember that I am Valuable
Help me remember that I am Deserving
Help me remember that I am Worthy
Help me remember that I am Strong
Help me remember that I am Kind
Help me remember that I am Compassionate
Help me remember that I am Creative
Help me remember that I am Thoughtful
Help me remember that I am Spirit
Help me remember that I am Worthy
Help me remember that I am Loving
Help me remember that I am Complete

(In reviewing the above, I found it interesting that I repeated the words ‘expects’ and ‘worthy’ … hmm🤔)

More specifically, help me Let Go. Help me start Living and Thriving.

With all that I know needs healing and all that I need to remember, help me see that no matter what I choose, no matter what happens, no matter what comes or goes, no matter what ends or begins, no matter who stays or leaves, the joy in me will continue to shine through.

I Am ready to be and feel completely alive with My Self!

April 12, 1966

Happy Birthday to you, baby…

My precious birthday girl
What do you want to say to me?
It’s your 52nd birthday??
You were born in ’66?

My precious birthday girl
What do you want me to know?
To remember that you’re there,
Wanting me to love you more?

Happy birthday to you! baby,
In those moments when you smile
Happy birthday to you baby,
When in love or in denial.

Do you want some birthday cake?
Filled with strawberries and cream?
Will it help release your tears?
Will it suffocate your scream!?

What about your favorite ice cream?
Tangy lemon sounds so good
Just like the many reminders
Bitter sweet lessons unlearned.

Happy birthday to you! baby,
When you speak and I don’t listen
Happy birthday to you baby,
When awakened, are you sleeping?

What about the birthday presents?!
Everything you never wished for
The surprises not so pleasant
Nicely wrapped with pretty ribbons

Do you have a favorite place?
That you would like me to see?
You want me to play in the world?
I’m really good at hide-and-go-seek!

Happy birthday to you! baby,
When you’re feeling so alone
Happy birthday to you baby,
When you just want to belong.

Tell me now, my precious girl,
What do you want me to say?
Do you want me to just listen?
Are you still feeling afraid?

Forgive me, my birthday girl
For ignoring you so much
For not listening to you
For not holding you enough.

Happy birthday to you! baby,
When you witness my heart breaking
Happy birthday to you baby,
When some joy comforts some aching

What do you want me to promise?
You know I don’t like that word
I would rather you remind me
LOUD! So, you can be heard!!

This is such a special day
To be grateful and celebrate
The love you freely express
When you’re not hiding or when you’re distressed

Happy birthday to you! baby,
In moments when you reach out
Happy birthday to you baby,
I will still be here, somehow.

My precious birthday girl,
It’s just one more of those times
When things feel heavy and intense
Where uncertainty resides

My precious birthday girl,
Am I listening to you?
While I overthink some more?
In the midst of solitude?

Happy birthday to you! baby,
Are you feeling so exposed?
Happy birthday to you baby,
Maybe this is just a hoax . . .?

Completely Exposed

twin-flame-stages-3

My secret love is not so secret. It’s evidently showing up in the way I see, in my breathing, in my speaking, in my writing, in my singing, in my learning of the flow that must continue.

My secret love is not so secret because the way my body reacts in his presence is undeniably delicious and I give into his touch, the sound of his voice, the look in his eyes, and the feel of his Soul.

My secret love is not so secret. It takes me over from the inside and out like a cleansing breath that exposes all my truths, my fears, my doubts, my excuses, and masks, leaving me vulnerably loved and caressed.

merging

My secret love is not so secret. He and I know that our experience together is being shared with the world in strong and unseen ways.

My secret love is not so secret. We are in an open captive space that freely allows our loving energy, and our contribution to make a difference, to flow freely in every direction possible.

My secret love is not so secret. Divine forces re-directed our paths, reuniting us to weave our tired Souls into each other.

two half fires

My secret love is not so secret. That which cannot be described, measured, or seen decided we were ready to finally meet.

My secret love is not so secret. Only ‘Special Eyes’ can see that our Deep Love keeps us from being seen. We flow in ways that can only be felt by what we do separately and together.

My secret love is not so secret. We are Divinely protected and watched over by bigger eyes and deeper forces. Only those in tune with such power can clearly see, that my secret love, is not so secret.

contracts

 

Como Fue

pv mex

¿Como Fue
Puerto Vallarta,
qué me enamore?
Descubrí
En Tu Belleza
El amor en mi

¿Como Fue
Puerto Vallarta,
que Te Pude Ver?
Y sentir
Sutil Etéreo
Y Descanso en ti

La brisa de tus mares — Me sonrió
Siluetas femeninas — Con Candor
Bellezas tan Divinas — Del Amor
Entretejen tus raíces dentro de mi

Caminos y Senderos — Recorrí
Llenaron de energía — Mi sentir
La Esperanza viva
Que en mi Alma contigo siento

Ni distancia
Ni tiempo
Lograran que te olvide… jamás
La forma en que me entregas
Tu calor
convierte mis miedos
En tu amor

A….limé…ntame
En Esplendor Divino
Envuélveme
Mi amor, por ti, no tiene fin, te amo asi
Vives en Miiiiii

¿Como Fue
Puerto Vallarta,
qué me enamore?
Descubrí
En Tu Belleza
El amor en mi

¿Como Fue
Puerto Vallarta,
que Te Pude Ver?
Y sentir
Sutil Etéreo
Descanso en ti

La brisa de tus mares — Me sonrió
Siluetas femeninas — Con Candor
Bellezas tan Divinas — Del Amor
Entretejen tus raíces dentro de mi

Con el tiempo sentimos
Todo lo que supimos compartir
Todo lo que vivimos al soñar
Un futuro infinito . . . por forjar

Ni distancia
Ni tiempo
Lograran que te olvide jamás
La forma en que me entregas
Tu calor
convierte mis miedos
En tu amor

La Distancia
Y el tiempo
hacen amar más intenso
Porque cuando estoy lejos de ti
Sueño en volver

A…limé…ntame
En Esplendor Divino
Envuélveme
Mi amor, por ti, no tiene fin, te amo asi
Vives en Miiiiii

Puerto Vallarta, Vallarta, Vallarta
Vives en mi
Envuelto en ti
Yo te amo
Yo te amo
Yo te amo
Así fue como yo me enamore de ti.

pv mexi

COMO FUE (How to say?)

How to say,
I came to see
the magic
In your face?
Open sea
Puerto Vallarta
A warm embrace

How to say,
Loving enchantment
And refreshing breeze?
Breathing in
Ethereal beauty
Fills me with peace

The ocean made me smile —with a wave
The women with their beauty —and their sway
Divinity in the people —just to love
The weaving of your heart
Within my Soul

My feet needing the grounding—in your sand
Your energy fulfilling —what I need
The vibrant hope that is
Deep in my Soul
Your loving Treasure

There’s no time
There’s no distance
That would get in the way of our bond
You saturate my body
With your warmth
Dissipating my fears
Into your love

Feed….me in your…embrace
Divinity in your splendor
Your caress
Stay with me
Keep me near
You live in me…

 

Collision

lost souls

Our Souls Collided
In the embracing sound
Of our written words
And I heard you…

Our Souls Collided
In Welcoming Joy
And Nothing Certain
And you felt me…

Our Souls Collided
Into Melting Love
And Overflowing Peace
Spilled on Purpose…

Our Souls Collided
In Such Surprise
And Fearful Blindness
And We Froze…
souls collide
Our Souls Collided
In Desperate Times
When we know nothing
And Our Moments Paused…

Our Souls Collided
In The Painful Warmth
Of Our Frozen Limits
Leaving Us Exposed…

Our Souls Collided
Waking Up Dreams
Of Untold Longings
And Our Logic Ignored…

Our Souls Collided
With No Return
To the Sleepy Darkness
Our Lights Are On…

Our Souls Collided
In Disagreement
Of Circumstances
Fully Ignored.
infinite

Angel Eyes

When Tender Love
Just comes and goes
The heart cracks open
The Soul reveals
The very lack of stillness

Your Angel Eyes
With Loving Light
Led me to see
That in one Embrace
Our very Souls collided

And that is when
That one memory
Of the last time I saw you
Next to me
Was exposing the sadness
With no return
I let you go in silence
 
And even when
That one memory
When I thought it was best
To set you free
I remembered the light
In your Angel Eyes
Would lead you
Back to me.
 

Ojos de Ángel

Cuando el amor
Viene y se va
Enciende llamas
Abre el corazón
Y nos deja sin calma

Con esa luz
De tu mirar
Pude sentir
Que tus ojos de Ángel
Vieron a mi Alma

Pero después
El recuerdo
De la ultima vez
Que te vi
Me lleno de nostalgia
Te dije adiós
Sin esperar mas nada

Y aunque después
De el recuerdo
Cuando yo pensé
Que te perdi
Vi como iluminaban
Tus ojos de Angel
Tu camino hacia mi
Hacia mi

What is True Love?

the course of true love never did run smooth

What is True Love?

Is it the Prayer for Truth, before falling asleep, because my chest and my heart ache; and I struggle with breathing? Or, my faith in the knowing that the answers will reveal and release the pressure of this new experience.

Is it waking up at 2:24 in the morning, reaching for the phone, curious to find a message, with mind racing thoughts that tap into some reality? Or my Spirit wanting to get my attention?

Is it tossing and turning as Truths struggle to reveal themselves and I reach for my lap top at 3:17 am? Or, my need to empty my mind and give it a rest?

reflect truth

What is True Love?

Is it all the wondering of feelings continually stirred as I struggle with the very lack of my own peace of mind? Or, the wondrous sensation of my inner joy slow dancing with my fears?

Is it the continuous measuring or comparing questions…: How much do I love him? How much does he love me? How much is enough and How much is plenty? Or, the innate need to find all the ‘right’ answers looking for ways not to get hurt?

Is it the selfish demand for self-deserving wishes of wanting it all and struggling with less? Or, settle for less; trusting the unknown depth of what we feel, to overflow into the healing of our perceived limits?

frequencies

What is True Love?

Is it my desperate need to reach for the unattainable exhausting my very Soul in defeat of my own self-worth? Or, my being open and willing to receive, appreciate, or embrace what is already mine?

Is it the way I stand for what I’ve known as true for me only to let go, give in, and dive into the experience of his touch? Or, full surrender into an experience we’ve never had before?

Is it accepting what is… with its endless limits, unknown predictions, projections, or consequences? Or, accepting what is… the essence of something Sacred.

spirit touch

What is True Love?

Is it those moments when Spirit awakens ideas to express, and the very flow of inspiration searches for ways to be openly exposed? Or, the mirror of our eyes reflecting back who we are in and with each other?

Is it the sound of a song changing vibration when expressed from a deeper Source and heard from a place of clarity? Or, just an expression of our hearts harmonizing with each other?

Is it the glimpses of time preparing me to reach into the wisdom of courage, bravery, and strength when the Truth gets revealed and I must choose again, and again? Or, the serenity of his Soul reaching for mine into a sweet embrace? 

protect it

What is True Love?

Is it my hearing of what he says? Or, the filters he’d rather remove from my ears so that I may hear his certainty? 

Is it my understanding that the shame, guilt, or fear can take the lead and our Soul connection may be placed in second, third or fourth position? Or, my humanness insisting that everything and nothing is certainly possible.

Is it my battle to defend the unknown and the knowing of my seeming truth? Or, my desire to fall on my knees, with open arms, and give into his clarity?

true love eyes open

What is True Love?

Is it my rambling thoughts, going around in circles, trying to sort all the pieces of a two-piece puzzle? Or, the simple senses that surface in an attempted glimpse of another kiss?

Is it my fears reminding me that what comes suddenly, unexpectedly, and with intense emotion, can also disappear in seconds? Or, the sense of fog that forces me to take one step at a time because that is all that can be seen in the moment? 

Is it the need to write again, if only to capture moments I want to remember? Or, my need to document my thoughts because I’m still searching for the deeper truth of this “What is Love?” experience?

no ending

What a Mother’s Day

There are so many types of mothers with so many different dynamics of motherhood (the same is true for fathers, but I can write about them on Father’s Day…)

Each differs with so many circumstances and such individual journeys. I could list them all for the sake of being inclusive, but I tend to write about my own personal experience as it pertains to the current events I face.

My wish is to be heard in a way that others may find some comfort, acceptance or anything that might bring some insight, understanding or peace of mind.
This Mother’s Day I didn’t expect to be pampered, catered to, or cared for. In fact, for the first time in my life this day was filled with my very own constant comparison of me in contrast to all the amazing mothers being acknowledged. Although I felt genuine joy for them, I caught myself thinking: “Well, I didn’t do that, I didn’t say that, I wasn’t that, I didn’t give that, I didn’t take that, I didn’t teach that, I wasn’t there for that, etc. . .”
I had great difficulty recognizing that I am ‘overall’ a great mom… or am I?


Clearly, I got myself stuck in seeing only the mistakes I’ve made. This only happens when my relationship to any of my children is strained. Right now, my precious daughter is seriously hurt and angry with me. And she has every right to be. I can list the Could’ve, should’ve, would’ve stories to create a clear picture, but I won’t this time.

Truth is I’ve been in her place. (She hasn’t been towards me the way I was towards my mother in many ways…I’m referring to her level of hurt and disappointment)
I was stuck in constant complaints about how I was not getting my mother to love me in ways I needed her to. I judged her harshly, stayed away from her many years, blamed her, shamed her, and rejected her. She said and did things I was in complete disagreement with. I fought her and yelled at her. We had our share of conflict and I kept her ‘guilty’ of all of my difficulties. At least until I learned to see myself and own my own struggles.

I have been on this self-discovery journey since my divorce 10+ years ago and up until just a few years ago did I begin to open myself up enough to see my mother’s innocence. Looking back, I can remember my mother loving me in her very own unique ways. Love is powerful and forgiveness is freeing, but compassionate acceptance brings a level of peace that can heal the deepest of hurts.

I’m now at a point in my life where I’m learning (the very hard way) to allow my daughter to find her own way of becoming the adult she wants to be. I pray that the right guidance finds her to help her along the way. May she one day be open enough to see how much I’ve loved her and how much I’ve cared. Especially in those moments when I gave her what I thought she needed.


Happy Mother’s Day to all the amazing mothers I admire, love, and appreciate.

May the rest of the moms who have made mistakes, learned some lessons, continue to make more mistakes to continue learning and growing, find comfort in remembering that we were loving enough to give birth to these children who have loved us through our abilities, disabilities, struggles, hurts, gifts, habits, and talents. May our journey lead us towards more compassionate self-acceptance.

Hello,  My name is Carmen and I’m a recovering “beat myself up-olic”.

“You are a wonderful mother. You love your kids. You care. You have done countless wonderful things. Don’t allow short-term relationship issues to cloud your entire time as a mother!” Dan S.